Tell me you'd like girls like me better. . .
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "traptheart" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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07:14 pm
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2005
1) Was 2005 a good year for you? It was okay, it got better as the year progressed.
2) What was your favorite moment of the year? Both the Academy concerts. That band makes me feel like I can say FUCK YOU to everyone's who's hurt me!
3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? Feeling like all the friends I thought were going to be there forever abandoned me.
4) Where were you when 2005 began? At my parent's house with Dustin, Kyle, and my sister.
5) Who were you with? see above!
6) Where will you be when 2005 ends? At Vincent's house.
7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends? Vince, Kayla, Ass Hole, and probably a ton of other people.
8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005? Nope, but I don't really remember what they were.
10) Did you fall in love in 2005? No. . . make that hell no!
11) If yes, with who?***************
12) If yes, do they know? ***************
13) Are you still in love with them? ***************
14) Do you regret it? falling in love? Always!
15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005? Negative
16) Did you make any new friends in 2005? Tons
17) Who are your favorite new friends? Kayla, Tiffany, Maddy, Sydney, Andrea, Steven, Chris.
18) What was your favorite month of 2005? July or August.
19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005? Negative.
20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005? I think Just to Cali and back.
21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005? Thank God no.
22) Did you miss anybody in the past year? all of those friends that left me.
23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005? Harry Potter was good!
24) What was your favorite song from 2005? "I'm not Okay (I Promise)" My Chem
25) What was your favorite record from 2005? My Chem: Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, The Academy Is. . .: Almost Here, Paramore: All We Know Is Falling
26) How many concerts did you see in 2005? A million! At least thirty.
27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005? ACADEMY! Both times!
28) Did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2005? Too much!
29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005? One or two times too many!
30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005? None bitches!
31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Yes but I'm not telling you their names.
33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005? That I'm okay.
34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005? probably
35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005? Yup, but I let them.
36) How much money did you spend in 2005? Thousands!
37) What was your proudest moment of 2005? Helping Kayla Get Hey Chris here!
38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005? Probably something I did drunk.
39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be? God, tons of them!
40) What are your plans for 2006? Trying to be amazing like all the rest of the people in my life!
Current Mood:  tired
Current Music: Academy
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02:41 pm
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People
People anger me. Boys hurt me, but girls in general anger me. I have this friend that posted a blog about all her college memories and one of them was drifting away from me. That hurts! I've sent her e-mails, called her a couple times and I never got anything back, or a returned phone call so this wasn't all my fault. I can't figured out if I'm hurt or angry or both or neither. I really hate this! I feel immature and upset and I don't even know how to put in into words. Argh!
Current Mood:  cold
Current Music: Honey this Mirror Isn't Big Enough For the Two Of Us - MCR
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06:13 pm
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Hurt
You don't think things like this will hurt. More over things like this don't happen to girls like me, so I should have known I was headed for a train wreck. But then the train speeds out of control, jumps the tracks, and there I am: laying on the ground, body mangled, waiting for the end so I can just stop thinking about the hurt. So while I lay there I try and remember things that don't hurt, but all that comes to mind are the memories of whatever's making me hurt. I've done this a million times, I don't know why I don't learn. What's even worse is the times I have kept things under control, I've hurt someone else, or messed something else up. I want to just give up and let someone else take the wheel for once. . . I just wish I knew how.
However, my family's coming down for the holiday. Let me tell you what that's doing to my nerves! School is almost out for the semester and I may be able to get almost a week off to go to my parents around Christmas. I don't really want to stay up there, but I need to get out of here!
Current Mood:  crushed
Current Music: My Chem, what am I always listening to?
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11:09 pm
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So Let's Play Doctor Babe!
I had to go to the Doctor on Wednesday and we did the whole weight/height thing. The height thing has stopped bothering me. I'm never going to be short, I own that fact, I'm okay with it. . . most of the time. The weight thing. . . the numbers were bigger this time. By more than I thought they would be. I thought I was about the same. But then the scariest thing of all happened. I looked in the mirror when I got home and I saw the 400+ pound Courtney that I used to see when I didn't eat. I didn't see the somewhat pretty, though a little (or a lot) on the chubby side Courtney that you see. This girl was huge. A somewhat pretty face hidden behind swollen cheeks and multiple chins. She scared me. If I wouldn't have been afraid of a relapse I would have stopped eating then, but I'm not strong enough to do it anymore. Or I'm strong enough not to, I'm not sure which. I want to be strong enough to not cut my calories to less than 500 a day but strong enough to keep it at about 1500 and work my ass out. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to do both at the same time. I'm so scared that if I cut to 1500 it will stay that way for a week, then it'll go down to 1000 the next week, then 750, then 500, then 250. Then less. Hey, I once survived twenty six days on nothing but water and fruit juice. I thought I was being healthy by drinking only 100% juice and not that fake shit. What a joke! But what scares me is I know I have the capacity, I know I can do it. I just don't want to feel like I have to prove to myself that I can go twenty seven days or more.
What's sad is that I think, somewhere in the back of my sick, sick, fucked up mind, that if I drop 20, 25, maybe even 30 pounds that someone will want me.
(Don't mind my pathetic rants, I'm just pissed at myself for letting it spin so far out of control. I've got to learn not to do that. Salads and Slim-fast with a steady workout schedule and I should be good, right? I hope! Here goes nothing!)
Current Mood:  numb
Current Music: Senses Fail "Buried a Lie"
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02:22 pm
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No Subject
I should be happier than happy right now. Last night we saw Panic! BNO, Motion City, Starting Line and FOB up in Denver. I wish I could have seen Panic! at a smaller venue with a less violent crowd. My body is killing me today. I know that I should sleep more and that that would help, but I keep having these dreams. Good dreams, but I don't know what to think about them. If I don't dream about *that* I dream about the reasons that I'm feeling the way I do right now. I just want to be better already. It doesn't help that a former dirty little secret was . . . well not so friendly yesterday at the concert. Plus he had a sign that said "I wish the Starting Line's van had broke down instead." or something like that. I hope it was a joke, because that's so disrespectful. Even if you don't like a band, they've worked their asses off to get where they are and they don't need disrespect from little shits like you. It's not really him that made me mad, it's the action that pissed me off. It's not fair to them.
So I'm sitting here watching a Star Trek: TNG marathon and I think I'll take a nap and forget about how angry yesterday made me and how much I wish I wasn't by myself right now.
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Panic! At the Disco
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10:01 pm
[Link] | I'm grumpy. I hate it. I hate that I'm angry to the point of tears. I hate that I can't do anything about it. I hate that I want to cry like none other right now and I know there's nothing I can do to stop it. I feel abandoned. I feel disowned. I feel like KayJones is lying to me about. . . well we know what I think she's lying about. I'm pretty sure she's not, but what if she's just saying those things because she knows it's what I want to hear?
Know what I hate the most? The fact that I feel if I ____ then everything would be all better. I can't. There's a million reasons why I can't. But it's so hard not to. I want to run throw a knife in the freezer and take it into the shower with me. I feel like a little pain right now will go a long way.
I miss Mikey and Crystal and Corrine and me. I miss me. I miss not having to worry about people finding out about me. I miss not worrying that people are worrying about me. I miss just being okay. . .
Current Mood:  grumpy
Current Music: Paramore
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08:05 pm
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Smile
The last few days, okay the last week, I've been feeling really shitty. And today I got an e-mail that made me smile all through work. Four hours of serving Starbucks to grumpy people and I had this stupid cheesy grin the whole time. Why? Because of two words in that e-mail. And more the fact that if you saw the guy it was from. . . damn. :-) He's pretty!
Current Mood:  giddy
Current Music: Jamisonparker "Alcohol and Bandages"
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11:32 pm
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Dear Noone. . . Dear Someone,
Dear Someone,
I'm ready now. Where are you? Why aren't you here yet? All I've ever wanted was for you to show up and love me. Take care of me. Let me love you. I just asked for that. Why is that so fucking hard? Why are things like this so complicated?
I don't know who you are and I don't know why you'll love me when you do. I'll challenge you, just to warn you. I'll ask everyday why you're with me and why you want me. When you tell me I'll believe you and then I'll ask you again the next day. I'm always going to be scared that you're going to leave me for someone else, someone better. When you don't, I'll wonder why. But I'll make it up to you. . .
I promise to be one hundred percent faithful. I'll never want you to be unhappy and I'll do everything I can to keep you happy. Anything you want, is yours. I'll love you more than anyone has ever loved you before. I'll never give you reason to doubt me.
If you don't want to be romantic, you don't have to be. If you want to watch action movies all the time and not one single chick flick, we can do that. If you want to have the right side of the bed (even though I've been sleeping on the right side for as long as I can remember) it's yours, no questions asked. If you want me to fix you steak every night for the rest of our lives, even though I don't eat red meat and I hate to look at raw steak, I'll cook it however you like it. If you want to keep your pet tarantula in the bedroom. . . I'm sure we can compromise on that one.
Don't you see? I'll do anything for you! Anything to keep you happy! Now where are you? I'm ready for you. . .
All my love forever,
Courtney
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Head Automatica "Beating Heart Baby"
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01:31 pm
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I just don't know
I'm not sure if I want to got to my parents house for the weekend now or not. No matter what I can't leave tonight because the pass is snowy and I told KayJones that I would wait until tomorrow.
I don't really know what I want right now. I keep thinking that I must be missing something. I know that at my age I'm not supposed to have the answers yet, but I feel like I should know more than I do. I don't think I want the answers either. I kind of like the challenge of finding out. It took me a long time, but I've learned to respect love again. for so long I thought it was this big waste of time and emotions and one more way for people to get hurt. But I'm getting it again. That it can be wonderful and beautiful and life altering, but you have to get your heart broken once or twice. I know now that you can't be bitter forever. It only lasts so long. I was bitter far longer than I should have been, but I couldn't shake it.
I still feel slightly pathetic for feeling the way I do. Like life won't be complete until I find a man to share it with. I have friends that I know will be with me for the rest of my life, but it's different. I know you know what I'm talking about.
Once, I got one of those chain e-mails asking you to write what the best and the worst things that had ever happened to you. People were saying things like "best: got married, worst: my grandmother dying" and "best: seeing 311 in concert for the fifth time, worst: getting in a car wreck." Mine said "falling in love, for both." Because it can be so good to you. You're unstoppable. You can do anything. Then when it's over, you're nothing. You can't do shit. It hurts more than anything you've ever felt before and you can't pull yourself out no matter what you do. You can't get comfortable. You can't sleep. You can't eat. You can't fucking breathe.
I don't know where this all came from, I'm just writing. I'm sure I'll come back to this later and wonder what the hell I was thinking, but for now, it stays.
Current Mood:  pensive
Current Music: Beck "Girl"
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10:59 pm
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Zzz. . .
All I want is to sleep. Sad because it's only eleven. I want to crawl into my bed, between the yards of black satin and disappear. You should see me in my dreams. I'm short, svelte, beautiful. It's the most amazing transformation ever. Away from my towering figure I can have anything/one I want. What's amazing is that in my dreams, they all want me. I walk into my dream club, (hot, little punk/emo/screamo/posthardcore/whatever I want band playing) and they all want me. It's the most incredible feeling and I wish more that I've ever wished before that I could bring that feeling back with me to the conscious world.
I know everybody wants that to some effect. But for once, I don't want to be the heartbreaker. Not that I ever have been, I always fall head over feet and they drop me on my ass while I'm still in the air. I don't want anyone to be the heartbreaker. I want it to work. It would help if I had someone in mind, but as of recent times there's really no one realistic. I can pretend all I want that Gerard Way is going to sweep me off my feet one day. But I'm realistic. One person knows who I'm really getting at and I'd like to keep it that way.
I'm not on here whining to get compliments, I don't even really want to hear them anymore. I just counteract them. When you say "Courtney, you're so beautiful!" I say "Yeah, if I wasn't seven feet tall and the size of an ocean liner!" So when I say shotgun, you say wedding. Shotgun. . . (If you know who that is. . . I love you!) I just want to bitch and moan and not worry about how it sounds. I don't care anymore. I just want to fix it.
On a completely different subject, but somehow on the same track. . . Often times I work out things in my dreams that I can work out when I'm conscious. Until three nights ago if you asked me my worst fear, without hesitation: Spiders. They're just creepy. The other night I was having a conversation with an afore-somewhat-mentioned someone and he asked me what my worst fear was and I said, without hesitation: Falling in love again. Not the being in love part, but the inevitably getting dropped on my ass again part. The part where the sleeping all the time comes back, and the crying and the swearing off men forever, and the hating everything heterosexual with a penis, the wanting every person that's in a relationship to be unhappy. I hate the person I become right there. I hate her! I want to smother her with a pillow while she sleeps, but I can't because in that moment, she's me and I promised too many people that I wouldn't ever kill myself.
Did you know that I have the entire series of Sex and the City? I loaned them to a friend in August, I kind of wish I had them tonight. I get a little to introspective on here. It's gross. I should stop.
Current Mood:  drained
Current Music: I love the way she said "LA" - Spitalfield
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11:19 pm
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Want
I want to go back to the gym and push myself like I used to. So my lungs burned, so people stared at the not so fit girl pushing those pedals as fast and as hard as she could, so people slightly laughed as she cooled down moving her lips to the music playing in her ears, so that I had to push myself to walk the next day.
I want to get in my car and drive singing at the top of my lungs. So my throat hurts when I get home, so people in other cars on the road can here me through their windows and mine, so I can hardly speak the next day, so during choir people ask if I'm sick, so that my chords are raw.
I want to climb into my bed and sleep. So that I'm not tired anymore, so that everything is gone and over, so that I can just stop thinking, so that I can escape into my dreams which recently have been ecstasy, so that I can pretend that everything's okay.
I know none of these options are healthy ones, but it beats the alternative. The hot water beating down on my neck and shoulders, the steam rising out of the shower stall, the music blaring from my stereo so nobody can hear me cry, the knife still cold from the freezer. You get the picture. . .
Don't worry, I know how pathetic I sound/am. I'm okay, it just felt like the thing to write. Did you ever meet someone and know they were perfect for you, if only you were good enough for them?
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: My Emo Mix, Currently on JamisonParker
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08:47 pm
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Fear
Fear feels like ice on my back. A large slab of ice that doesn't melt, it just stays there freezing me. Tell me everything you want, even though it's nothing I want to hear. Once again I'm the one who shows you what you don't want. I'll show you that there's someone better out there for you. Want proof, try and be with me. You'll see, that's what they all do, they spend a week or two with me and run, run to someone better/shorter/more brunette/slimmer/pettier/perfect. . . and that's always "the one". I'm the one before "the one". Do you know how hard that is? Do you know what that feels like? Ice.
Love me. Just love me. That's all I want. Kiss my tear stained cheeks and tell me it's all going to be okay. Hold me against your chest and press your lips to my hair. Put your arms around me and let me sleep, my body curled up against you. Save me. Fix me. I need you to do it for me, I can't do it on my own.
"If I said your smile's all that mattered would you save my life?"
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: JamisonParker
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02:39 pm
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When You Say My Name
Is it bad that everything seems to be going okay and yet I'm still not happy? I want to get better and the only thing that seems to be a good option is pills, alcohol and knives. It all just sounds so comforting and soothing. I want to just sleep and not have to think about anything. I wish I could sleep until there's no more me.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: "Signals Over the Air" - Thursday
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01:30 pm
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Retail Therapy
I think that I'm going under again. But I'm not sure how much is me and how much of it isn't. I want to go shopping. I want to buy sheets and shoes. I want the new Rocket Dog Clogs. I want some pink 1000 thread count sheets. I hate that I feel like buying my way into debt will make me feel better. But it always does for a few weeks. Then things seem okay after that and I don't have to buy anything.
I want my leftover pasta.
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: Why Can't I?
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03:06 pm
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Now what?
Have you ever been dumped by someone and all you want is for them to come up and tell you that they're sorry, and you did nothing wrong and it was all their fault and not yours, and that they love you and care about you, but they know you deserve better than them? What do you do when that actually happens? How are you supposed to feel? Last night he told me he loved me. (in a platonic way) He's not the type that says things like that and it totally caught me off guard. He's never talked to me the way he talked to me last night. So what now?
My heart is telling me that I still really care about him and that I want to be with him. My head isn't telling me anything. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I'm lost, again. I don't know if I can be the friend he needs me to be right away.
I know that men think this about women, but men confuse the effing hell out of me! I really have no clue what he wants from me.I know what he's told me that he wants from me, but I think there's more that he's not telling me.
I hate this. I'm so confused. I don't know who else to go to for advice.
Current Mood:  confused
Current Music: "Helena" MCR
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02:56 pm
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A girlfriend
He has a grilfriend. It's not me. I'm angry and upset and pissed. But whatever. Fuck him.
Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: LG FUAD Motion City Soundtrack
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01:04 pm
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Total and Utter SHIT
What a fucking waste of my time, effort and emotions. Why do I always think things are going to work out the way I want them to? I have this thing that if I really like a guy I have him break up with me in my head about three hundred different ways so that I'm prepared when the inevitable happens. Does it suck? Yes. Do I do it anyways? You betcha. One of the ways I had him break up with me was to not say anything and just started giving me the small talk bullshit.
I let him do things with me that I don't let people do, ever! So I feel like shit, I feel used and dirty and stupid. Maybe I'm just being dumb and this will pass, but maybe it's really done. Fuck it. . .
XOXO,
Audrey
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Nothing
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06:11 pm
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???
Why? Why hasn't he called? Whyn is this happening this way? We made these plans over a week ago, then he dissappears and I'm left high and dry! I was supposed to crash at his house last night and tonight and I haven't heard from him. So I call and they tell me that he's in Springs. WHAT THE HELL!?!??!!??! I hate men! I better get a damn good apology for this!
Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: CKY
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08:15 am
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Good Morning
Yesterday was confusing as hell. Okay, let em rephrase that, Michael was confusing as hell yesterday. We were talking about something last night and he said that if that ever happened to him he's just lock himself up in his room and die. I told him not to do that because I kind of like him. Then he says I'm not going to be around all the time, you know. WTF? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Really! I tried to get him to explain but, he just said he'd put his foot in his mouth and that he didn't want to be an asshole. I don't give a damn if he's an asshole about it, I want to know what he's talking about. I hate men. . .
On the other side of that I love men. He was soooooooo great last night. I know you all don't want details and I'm not going to give them because I'm a work and I'm already starting to need a napkin! Tasty. Too bad I'll never nail that down. Sad day.
Current Mood:  naughty
Current Music: Something by Trapt
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11:29 am
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Oh boy!
So it's been forever, but I've decided to move over here from d*land forever! Hooray! Things are pretty well if you've been checking up between d*land and myspace you'll know! I don't have a ton of time right now, but I just wanted to let you all know that I'm back! Yea back! Basic rundown:
- I'm kind of sort of but not really seeing this guy from school, basically we just hang out and mess around every so often.
-Natalia is sicker than sick right now and it's driving me crazy!
-My recital is coming up in about 4 weeks (AHHHHHH)
-I'm happy! I smile! It's great!
Okay gotta run, be back soon promise!
XOXO,
Audrey
Current Mood:  happy
Current Music: CKY - Attached at the Hip
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